Gathering My Parts: How Inner Connection Leads to Healing and Peace
Our internal family of parts can be like unruly children. When left unattended, they act out. Not because they’re bad—but because they’re desperate to be seen, heard, and held. I know this truth, yet life still gets in the way of tuning in. Today, my internal children—my parts—are upset.
Sometimes the only thing we really need is attention.
Attention is presence.
Connection with our Self must come first. As I tell my clients, we must take a YOU-turn to check in with what’s going on inside. Only then can we connect with and love others with authenticity, freedom, and unconditional grace.
A Conversation with My Internal System
The past few days have brought an emotional flood:
A loved one is moving across the country.
I received concerning health news.
There’s tension about attending two important events happening on the same day.
A part of me wants my partner and me to attend together—to show up united. He prefers to divide and conquer. That disagreement lit a fire inside me.
And then there’s the noise. Constant TV and music. Retirement means no silence. No space. The house feels small.
And with that—guilt. Guilt for not feeling grateful.
Inner Connection Leads to Healing and Peace
Pause. Breath. You-Turn.
I move to a quieter spot, but the buzzing in my body doesn’t leave. It’s centered in my stomach. A simmering pot.
“What’s going on here?” I ask myself. “Which part is this?”
Meet the Controller
A familiar voice emerges.
Controller: “It’s me. I’m angry. People aren’t meeting expectations. If only they did things my way, everything would be better—past and present.”
This part fights reality. She obsesses over the past, holds grudges toward emotionally absent or abusive people, and is afraid of future pain.
She fears that letting go means being abandoned again.
She thinks controlling everyone is the only way to stay safe.
Me: “I see your heart. I know you’re trying to protect me. But this constant control is backfiring. It’s isolating us. And it’s harming our health.”
Me: “Can I speak to the part you’ve been protecting for so long?”
Controller: “Yes. Please. I’d like some rest.”
(Note: In Internal Family Systems (IFS), when we are in Self—calm, curious, compassionate—our parts begin to trust us.)
Meeting the Exile
In IFS, an exile is a deeply wounded inner part.
Usually young.
Usually hidden.
Always hurting.
I see her now.
She’s sitting in a dark corner on a small stool, head hung low, blonde hair covering her face. She appears to be about 4 years old.
Me (softly): “I’m here. I’m sorry I’ve left you alone. What’s hurting you?”
Exile: “I felt so alone. People weren’t there for me. And when they were, it hurt. I just wanted to be loved. I didn’t want all the chaos.”
Me: “It sounds like you felt unloved.”
Exile: “Yes. And I thought it was my fault.”
Me: “I’m so sorry. I let people into our life who weren’t safe. What did you need back then that I can give you now?”
Exile: “To know that I am safe. That I am lovable. That someone will be there when I mess up and when I’m scared.”
Me: “You were frightened. Alone.”
Exile: “And desperate for love and stability.”
Me: “You’re not alone anymore. I’m here. We made it. You’ve always been precious and lovable—even when you couldn’t see it. That’s the truth.”
She looks up. Her eyes meet mine. She sees we’ve survived.
Me: “Would you like to leave this dark place? Come into the present? Or maybe a beautiful, safe space to play and be free?”
Exile: “Yes!”
She walks toward me and takes my hand.
Me: “You don’t have to carry the lie that you’re unlovable. Ready to let it go?”
Exile: “Yes.”
She releases the burden into a golden, sparkling bubble and sends it up—to God.
Returning to the Controller
Me: “How are you doing now?”
Controller (calmer): “Thank you. That child needed your love. I’m tired. I want to rest.”
Me: “What would you like your new role to be?”
Controller: “Less extreme. More encouraging. To advocate for others and trust God and you with what’s outside our control.”
Me: “I’ll remind you of that when you get worked up.”
Controller: “Please do.”
I hold both parts—my unburdened exile and gentler controller—in my arms.
I scan my body.
The buzzing is gone.
The simmering has cooled.
I am in Self—leading my internal family, not being led by a fearful protective part.
No longer driven by fear.
But by acceptance.
Trusting what is.
Closing Thought:
Healing happens when we make space for our inner world.
When we listen.
When we lead with love.
When we let go of control and trust that we are not alone.
The Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
If you need help on your journey, contact me to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.
